an old-fashioned gal.. trapped in a modern world

Had a short chat with a gf yesterday. We were chatting on being a mother and working. She has 2 gals, taken care of by her mum, MIL and domestic helper. We both were talking about how tough it is to be a SAHM. She chose to go back to work and I told her that I had decided to stay home to look after Megan and manged to get a job that I am able to work from home. That wasn't my inital route (there were plans to get domestic help while i work full time) but after Megan was out, I couldnt bear the idea of someone else caring for her.. thus the change of plan. She advised me to let go (of the attachment with Megan).

That got me thinking.

Is this what women these days got to do? To let go of the innate need and desire to care and nurture the baby I bring into this world. Perhaps coming from a conventional family where my mum, a homemaker, was always around, I see it as the right way of life. I bring this child into this world, I'm her mother. It sounds totally absurb to me that another person has to look after her. No one can care for her the way I do. I'm not the best mother nor do i always know if i am doing right by her. But she is mine and i want to give her the best that i can give. At this point in life, it's time, love and care.

I want to be there for her first crawl, her first step, her first fall. To cook her meals, to make sure she is eating right, that she is clean and healthy. I want to be there when she needs someone to talk to, when she has a bad day at school, or a crush in class. My mum was all that to me. I remember coming home from school and chatting with my mum about my day while she prepares lunch. It meant alot knowing that she is always around for me.

I want to be a mother. A good one. A role of a mother, is not one i take lightly.

But unfortunately many women are unable to do it these days. More so in this part of the world. While some chose to go back to work, many didn't have a choice. I am blessed enough to find a job that enables me to be a SAHM at the same time - that's a testimonial worthy of its own post. I do not want to pay someone to do the most important job that i've been blessed with.

Having said all these.. it's proving to be a challenge.

I'm afraid of not being able to cope. Caring for Megan is a full day job. By the time she sleeps at 8pm, i'm usually totally wiped out. When i cook dinner, it's 11pm by the time i finished washing! Everyone should try it for a day.. i'm serious. I'm wondering how am I able to slot in time for work. And Zack gotta pull up his socks around the house. He has gotten used to living like a king with someone washing up after him. I am gonna have an added responsibility, he has to chip in now.

Men always have it easier. It's tougher to be a women these days.

Do you not think I miss dolling up, wearing sleek suits, pretty clothes, sashying in 3".. interacting with people, leisure lunches. Some days I feel cooped up at home, washing and cleaning.. more so than ever cos Megan is mobile now and the house gotta be clean. Pappe sheds fur like nobody's business and that didnt help one bit. I get frustrated and do yearn for company (so thank God for the internet). Bringing Megan out for long period means upseting her feeding routine cos now i prepare her food. Unless I can take along a portable stove. Now looking at ways i can pre-cook/pack the food. But then I look at her and think... everything is worth it. She's worth it :)