"you sing a sad song just to turn it round"

Finally winding down after a long day.. a long week for that matter. It's been a long awfully bad week. A mass of emotions, all balled up inside me. Hit after hit. I'm exhausted.. from all that hurting. I need a little shut down time after this outpour. Yes, i'm so gonna shut down and hibernate. To barrel into myself. To reflect. To regroup.

It helps tremendously, meeting up with Yiming in the afternoon then Ant at night. Lifted my spirits for one. And yes, affirmations that i'm not as screwed up as i thought i am, that i'm not as lousy a person as i thought i am. They are probably the only 2 friends that i can ask really stupid questions and not feel stupid, and not feel judged. I am blessed, truly. I am thankful, immensely.

I realised there are situations that i just cant control, that i just have to accept. And i cant change the way how people thinks, how they feel and what they want. I'm ashamed to admit that yes, many times i want things done my way. I can be a spoilt brat. Oh what a newsflash. And that many a times, i feel with my heart then think with my head. But the sad fact is, my heart aint always smarter than my head. I have all the rationalisations stored up there, sensible ones, smart ones. I just lock them away. So i caused grief.. i caused pain, and that hit me threefold back.

I wish i'm a better person. But sometimes i get tired trying.. or maybe i'm trying too hard or not enough. I'm my worst critic. Maybe all i have to do is love myself more.. then perhaps things will fall into place. Maybe i need to accept what i am is who i am. Or maybe, all i need is to stop psychoanalyzing myself and just chill.